The Homework Blues

What do you do when your child refuses to do homework? For many reasons, kids sometimes are unmotivated to do what needs to be done. You know the importance of homework, so it can be frustrating when your child flat-out refuses to do it.

You can bring more excitement to your child’s educational experience. No matter what your schooling situation is (homeschool, public, private), here are some practical ideas to empathize, encourage, and empower (problem-solve). Before we dive deeper, it’s important to first check what’s going on in your own head and heart.

Check what’s going on inside you first

Effectively helping your kids starts with learning to navigate your own emotions, so you can lead your children calmly. Ask yourself, “Why does this annoy me so much? What is underneath my anger?”

• Are you simply overwhelmed with responsibilities, and you just want your child to do this without all the fuss?

• Are you upset that your co-parent isn’t as involved as you’d like them to be?

• Are you worried about your child’s future?

• Or maybe your childhood experience impacts how you feel about it now.

  • If you struggled, are you determined to prevent the kind of life you experienced?

  • Or if you were a high achiever, are you determined that your child has similar success?

For example, you might be thinking, “If my child fails this class, I have failed her, and she may fail in life", rest assured you are doing great. Just because a child fails one class does not mean her purpose in life will not be a successful one.

Empathize when your child refuses to do schoolwork

It is important to empathize with your kids before you try to solve the problem. Try to see things from their point of view:

• What’s it like to be in their shoes?

• How are they feeling?

• Are their basic needs being met?

Your child might be experiencing overstimulation, boredom, low blood sugar, fatigue, or lack of exercise and/or sleep. Whatever the stressors your kids are experiencing, it’s helpful to express you understand how they feel and do not judge them for it.

Some kids’ brains are like a microscope – dialed in on a specific focus, while others are more like a kaleidoscope of distracting thoughts that are constantly changing. Your child doesn’t have the maturity and development to fully understand, compared to you as an adult.

The ADHD child refusing to do schoolwork

ADHD similar to a traffic jam. Ever seen that glazed overlook in your child with ADHD? That’s the traffic jam. The child with ADHD not wanting to do schoolwork especially needs your compassion! It’s not easy to do things when you feel you’re not good at them because you are constantly distracted. That’s something everyone can empathize with. Whatever your kiddo's learning style or brain development, do your best to step out of your adult brain into theirs to sincerely express compassion for them. Encourage your child. Empathy helps kids open their hearts to your sincere encouragement. If discouragement is at the core of your kiddo's refusal to do homework, they might not feel capable of completing their assignments.

Let them know, “I see and enjoy good things in you!” The word “encourage” literally means “to fill with courage.” So build your childs confidence about who they are as you focus on what's they've done well. Fist bumps, jokes, and affirmations can provide crucial encouragement.

Remind your child of previous successes at persevering and working hard:

• “Let’s write down everything you accomplished today and give you a star! That’s such a great feeling.”

• “Remember yesterday, when you got mad, went for a little walk, and then came back and worked hard? You felt great about your hard work.”

• “You have been working so hard at soccer, even when your team lost. You're growing so quick.” Or even, “When you’re playing your video game, you are so eager to get to the next level! Even if it’s not as fun, you can also learn to apply that effort to schoolwork.”

Create a “just-right-challenge”

Maybe your child is good with the first three problems on the math sheet but loses momentum or gets distracted by the fourth question, or maybe your kiddo just cannot get started with a large project. Some evidence-based strategies might include breaking a project down into steps or setting up an agreement with their teacher for them to complete shorter assignments.

Parents and teachers should be on the same page, a novel approach to help a child with ADHD build resilience for challenges they will face and even failure and grow a sense of confidence and accomplishment. You can try your at home activities that helps your child discover the fun of doing something difficult, even making mistakes, and then completing it.

If your child is a creative, distractible kiddo, remind them that although school is an easier match for brains that do not run as fast as theirs, but their qualities will serve them well in the future in a creative-oriented work environment.

Empower: problem-solving together increases motivation

Once you have empathized with and encouraged them, they will consider you a safe space. Then you can solve the problem together.

It’s important to watch for what your child naturally gravitates toward: What lifts them up? What activities help them? When it does get better, how does it happen? Teach them to advocate for themselves by asking what they need to be successful.

Checklists can help with problem-solving

1. Am I hangry?

2. Am I sleepy?

3. Do I need to switch topics right now?

4. Am I thirsty?

5. Do I need some water?

6. Do I need to take a break?

7. Do I need help with this problem?

The natural impulse can be to get frustrated, but instead, stay calm and help your kiddo in a empathetic way.

The impact of laughter and fun

To keep the momentum going ask questions like...

• Do I need to tell my mother how amazing she is?

• Do I need to do something nice for my intelligent, strong, gorgeous, amazing mother?

• Do I need mom to do some dancing with me to calm down?

You can turn things around with a little singing and dancing. Understanding what is happening beneath the surface of the behavior can assist in fixing the behavior in an encouraging way. This empowers kiddos to ask for what they need to be successful. They know their minds, bodies and feelings better than anyone else.

Practical ways to set your child up for schoolwork success

Whether you are homeschooling your kiddo or doing homework in the evenings, there are many practical ways to empathize with, encourage, and empower your child. Here are some ideas.

• Start homework with movement or a fun activity: a funny book, poems, singing songs together, big movement activity or a short story time.

• Plan a different activity each day to look forward to after work is done

• Occasionally hide healthy snacks or stickers in their work for kids to discover.

• If things start to get tense, take a break

• Use a timer, so kids know how long until a fun break comes.

• Put stickers on completed work and correct it together.

• Kids can do their work in different places around the house. Maybe they want to do it in the living room today but tomorrow the kitchen feels like a better spot to do homework. Be flexible with them.

• Kids fighting with each other? Provide them with some private space in different corners or rooms.

• Do math problems or practice spelling on the sidewalk in chalk. The bigger the movements the more sensory input, this speeds up the visual motor learning process.

• Give them ownership. One mom invited her complaining kids, “Do you need to stop for the day?” That freedom can motivate them to complete their work.

• Ask kids to make up their own “report cards” and grade themselves for things like creativity, paying attention, or cooperating. Ask questions about any successes to help them understand how they did it.

• There is power in routine. Try to find ways of putting whatever ideas are most helpful into a predictable flow each day, so that empathy and encouragement are what your kids come to expect.

As you incorporate these ideas, expect lots of ups and downs and give yourself plenty of grace.