Learning Tool for Angry Kiddos

We all get angry, kids included. Under the anger there is something more. What appears as anger is a more complicated set of feelings like fear, sadness, or discouragement. As we help kiddos with their surface level feelings, we may discover what is actually underneath.

Has your kiddo said things like this before?

“You never share your toys! You’re such a mean person!”

“Science is so stupid. I can’t stand that class.”

“I dont like this game! It’s dumb and not fair!”

“You suck. You’re the worst mom ever.”

There could be a number of underlying feelings and can be hard for both you and your kiddo to understand. All those underlying feelings makes one feel vulnerable! A common response when we feel unsettled or vulnerable is to protect ourselves. We often hide negative emotions under something that feels secure, something we can control: a layer of anger.

Unfortunately, when we express anger towards others, the common response is anger and it escalates the situation instead of solving it.

It can be challenging to help kiddos understand this emotional dynamic. The paper plate activity is useful in teaching how emotions can hide underneath our anger. This will give your kiddos insight they’ll need for less outbursts and healthy relationships in the future.

In the end, your child will understand that their anger is often masking other more vulnerable feelings. This activity has adaptations for different learning styles and ages.

1. Make a list of a few common negative emotions your child might experience. (Anger, sadness, frustration)

2. Make a face on the rounded back of a paper plate to represent each negative emotion and discuss them until you feel your kiddo understands.

3. Make an angry face. Your conversation can sound something like this: “Sometimes when we are mad, that anger makes us feel more powerful, more in control, but it masks the real feelings we have. But the anger doesn’t make us more powerful, and it causes more problems when others get angry back at us. Hiding another emotion with anger keeps us from solving the real problems.”

4. Discuss a time when you covered up a negative emotion with anger and what happened. Demonstrate with the plates and have a conversation about what you wish you had done. For example, if you had understood your underlying feelings, how might you have solved the problem?

5. Ask your kiddo about a time when they have covered up an emotion with anger. You can bring up an example and ask them about it if they're struggling to find an example. Help your kiddo what was underneath the anger, and how they might solve the problem. For example, “When I’m anxious, I can remember that Mom is coming back after nap time.”

Once your kiddos understand the concept, keep being a role model for them; let your kids help you figure out your own emotions hiding under your anger.

For example:

“I had my angry face on just now, but I realized that underneath…

• “I’m anxious we will be late for your dentist appointment.”

• “I’m upset you’ve hurt your brother's feelings.”

• “I’m frustrated that the house is a mess.”

If parents work this into each day, casual discussions, kids will grasp this is an activity that is helpful to everyone not a parental plot to “fix my behavior.”

6 key points in helping kids with their anger:

1. Validate your child by letting them know you notice when they identify or be honest about underlying feelings.

2. Be a role model and show them with your authenticity and vulnerability.

3. Remember to make fun of yourself from time to time and keep it all light-hearted. Keep it short; Especially with young kids, start with a few basic emotions.

4. Be sure to model it a number of times before guiding an upset child to look deeper under their anger.

5. Don’t give up. Even if kids were resistant or distracted at first when parents continued to model emotional awareness, kids learn from that example.

Giving kiddos a way to navigate anger and conflict is crucial! It’s a long process. But picture your kiddo as an adult, working through an angry conflict in a healthy relationship. Imagine them in an insightful discussion, sharing your own feelings and desires as they solve the problem. Not in any kind of argument. There is hardly a more important skill if you want to give your kids a lifetime of rich, grace-filled relationships!

Adaptations

For preschool or early elementary, draw a simple face for each emotion on each individual plate.

• For elementary: consider starting with one plate with an angry face on the front. Write the words for hidden emotions on the back.

• Teens: use a visual of anger– either print one, draw it out, or just discuss the concept. Focus on humbly modeling this before you ask kids about their underlying feelings.